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Jared,thanks for this as I needed a laugh this afternoon.Some levity is
always a good thing.Having a FAQ dept. dealing with navigstion subjects on
list may be a good idea and maybe it should be explored.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jared Sherman [mailto:jared.sherman@VERIZON.NET]
Sent: Thursday, October 02, 2003 13:49
To: NAVIGATION-L@LISTSERV.WEBKAHUNA.COM
Subject: Re: A Lunar alternative?


Dan-
 With tongue firmly in cheek and offense to none!

1) I am new to celestial navigation; how should I learn?
A: First, take all your meds. If you are still anxious to learn, ask your
physician about Zoloft or Lithium. They should reduce both your anxiety and
your desire to learn.
q:which sextant should I buy?
A: Ask your wife or SO which sextant will make the nicest lamp base, buy a
pretty one. If things don't work out, you'll still have a nice lamp base,
and as soon as you cut your sextant up, the value of all the other ones goes
up, benefiting global market economics and slowing down the production of
greenhouse gasses.

2) Why do celestial navigation?
A: First, take all your meds. Now you can confirm that all the stars are in
their proper places and the earth is still spinning on schedule. Doesn't
that make you more relaxed and certain all is right in the world?
q: The GPS makes it all obsolete, doesn't it?
A: No. The GPS only tells you what government satellites programmed out of
Area51 want you to think. Celestial navigation gives your position according
to GOD. Would you rather listen to the government or God? And if you can
only hear the voice of one of those two, you've taken too many meds.

3) What are the pros and cons of different methods of reducing a sight?
  What about H.O. 211?  H.O. 229?  H.O. 249?
A: Each method is susceptible to different errors in calculation or
accuracy. Before you can make an informed decision as to the one you will
make the least errors with, you really should try learning and performing
all three, during inclement weather and nauseating seasickness. If inclement
weather and nauseating seasickness are not locally available to you, you can
practice in the rain and ask your doctor for more meds to replicate the
seasickness.

4) I want to make my own solar almanac.  How do I do this?
A: First, make a sun and planets. Then note all your orbital mechanics in
writing, and use that for your almanac.
Obviously you'll need to make your own, because god didn't supply one and if
you trusted the ones from the Government, you'd be using GPS.
q:  What about DE400 from JPL?
A: Didn't we just get done talking about government almanacs? The JPL is a
propulsion laboratory, their job is blowing things up, not writing things
down.

5) What portable electronic almanac is the best?  Should I use an HP-48? a
Palm Pilot?  the TI-StarCalc?
A: Do you prefer Ferragamo or WalMart when you dress up to go out?
The HP-48 best matches oxfrod cloth shirts and traditional blazers. It may
still be available from specialty stores.
The Palm Pilot does not exist, Pilot are a pen company. Palm
handhelds...well, darling, who would be caught wearing Palm?
TI-StarCalc? That's a much better choice, you can finance it on the same
bill as your sextant.

6) How accurate can I get with a sextant?
A: If you meds are carefully balanced, you can get it so precisely that you
can spin in a circle, dragging a stick in the sand, and proudly announce "WE
ARE RIGHT HERE!"

Congratulations! You've found your exact location!

   

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